“please hold my hand, and never let it go.”
this moments happen along time ago when i was in college. i was doing alright in college, have so many friends, good grades, and my study is perfect. but something happen along the way, i face a failure.(to emphasize a little, i think i’m a little bit perfectionist, and definitely selfish, i’m not very good at accepting failure, i expect everything to be done as i have planned, and if something goes not as i planned, then something has gone wrong, and it’s hard for me to accept that. please refer to this when u have an argument with me, it’s hard for me to accept other’s opinion and point of view — yeah, still learning).
back to my failure, it’s not that i really fails, my friends told me that it is okay, it’s just a process and everything happens for a better purpose. but the way i see it, i fail.
i just finish my college and start working on a company, things change.. in college, i have lot’s of spare time, i can follow lot’s of activity, meeting, and gathering. so there i was, active in my church, and devoting my time well. i’m on a ministry ^^. have a gud relationship with my friend in church, and a wonderful business with Him.
then after i started to work, i find that my time has been cut off, i work from 8am – 5pm (officially), but then i must commit my time from 6 am – 7 pm. (it takes about 1.5 hr to go to my workplace). so there i was, having trouble in managing my time, (obviously, as time being taken away, relationship fades, i’m finding distance between me, my friends, and Him.) and then my ministry, i’m finding hard to keep up with the ministry, as i go far from Him, i started to use my own strength, my own brain to keep up, and i get frustrated this is where my failing process started.
but enough with the failing part — let’s talk more about my condition. so, there I was feeling lonely and useless, i feel that i’m not good enough. you see, i have experienced His goodness in my life, He changed my life, He changed my family (see my blog about my family). He is so GOOD to me, but then i’m not good enough to Him. not just talking about ministry here, but also about my sins. Yeah i read a lot of His promises, that He is good, He loves me more than anything and never ever leaves me alone. and of course my dear friends is also there for me, but i don’t open up. i keep myself closed. i kept on going like everything is alright, pretending that i’m okay, but inside, i’m afraid, i knew i cannot go on like this, that i was leading to a bad ending.
u know what i fear the most? it was fear of living a live away from Him, without Him. i know He is good, and he promise never to leave me alone, but i’m afraid that in my depression, i will leave Him, loose my faith in Him, and go on with the world without Him. hey i’m a mortal, with temptations, i fear that somehow i decide to leave Him, that i will let Him go, and started to walk on my own. and at that moment, i only pray for one thing, i prayed that He is stubborn enough not to let my go, i prayed that if somehow i loosen my grip, He will hold me stronger, it was all across my notebook, my prayer is, “please hold my hand, and never let me go.” and then i hear that soft voice, “I’m holding u with my right arm, so don’t be afraid”. It happens for three or more times, in different condition, one time when I prayed, another when I sang a song in the church, another when I was riding my bike alone. but I heard this same message. I’m holding u with my right arm, and don’t be afraid. and I suddenly everything becomes a bit better. Every time I was afraid, I remember this voice, and I calm down.I kept on telling myself that He is holding my right hand, and never let me go.
and then, as time goes by, I finally know the truth, there’s this one promise in e Bible that somehow I haven’t read, and along the way, someone read it for me, this verse, Isaiah 41:10 maybe a regular verse for other, but sure does rings a huge bell to me. the verse says;
“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
Every time when I am afraid/alone, I can always see my fist, my right hand, and I know that He is holding it tight, and I feel secured. I can look up and see His Huge hand reaching down to hold mine. i feel saved and relieved.
hey, it’s not that I finish with my journey, still have a full life in front of me, but at least I manage to pass through those moments.. I’m not telling this as a symbol of victory, but merely, so that when somehow I forgot about this, and feel depressed and feel alone, at least there will be someone to remind me of this moments, of His right hand.
as a footnote, this happens a long time ago, now I am fine and having a wonderful time with my life. there’s another promise that He gave me, but I guess it’s for another blog post. so if by chance u’re feeling alone/afraid, try this, fist your right hand, and hold it tight, know that He is holding yours and would NEVER.. EVER let u go. ^^ cheers!
